crumbles

and the discouragement spree continues.
i'm trying to keep myself optimistic.
but these things are making it real hard.

all these frustrations are brining back emotions of pain.
no, not fun at all.

rise above.
rise.

too tired to care

it's disturbing to me that i can only express myself openly in a place where... nobody knows my name.

all downhill from here

think i reached my breaking point sometime in the last few weeks
and never really recovered.
not fun.
i want me back.

of death.

we all know death is inevitable.

we know that it will happen eventually.

yet we are never really prepared for that moment, are we?

we are never really ready to say goodbye.

i had a terrible feeling the second the phone rang.

nobody tries that hard to reach us in the middle of the night without a good reason.

the next thing i know, i heard crying.

my great grandmother was 95 according to official documents.

she loved chocolate.

she was never stingy with laughter.

and she lived a long life.

i don't think it has really sinked into me yet.

not even after we laid her body to rest today.

she was always there. 

always on her favorite spot on the couch in the living room.

or she would be sweeping the floor around the house.

i used to watch her peel ikan bilis, pick out good grains of rice, sometimes even cleaning her dentures...

it's times like this that we wish we did more.

i wish i learnt more about her. 

wish i started appreciating her at a younger age when she could still remember.

wish i could listen to her stories of her hometown in eng choon, travelling from china, being sold at the age of 10, the british rule, the japanese invasion, the communist insurgence, getting naturalization, merdeka, being a rubber tapper...

these things we learn in malaysian history... she was there to witness and experience it first hand.

i also wish i held her hand a little longer the last time i saw her.

i guess what i'm trying to say is
for all of us who are still lucky to be alive,
stop blaming, stop giving excuses, stop stressing, stop waiting...

just start living.

in loving memory of cho-cho (the one sitting down in blue), 20.10.2010.

of love.

quote of the weekend: "a good speech should be like a women's skirt -long enough to cover the essentials, yet short enough to maintain interest"

they say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger

damn you, ovaries.
you always cramp at the best timings :(

falling apart

it's only monday
and already, i can't wait for the weekend.

me, sleepy by10pm?
is this a sign of aging?

they say there's a silver lining to every to every cloud

i'm finally getting something i have lusted over for a long time. i'm so excited! :)

to keep this short, it has been such a random and adventure-filled week. if you're feeling dull, do it! go walk into that random restaurant of cafe, say yes to things you normally wouldn't, make decisions on a wimp for once... it keeps me alive, maybe it'll help you too.

it's all been amazing... minus the fact that one of my closest friends is no longer a phone call away from supper at a mamak shop :(

well, at least i realized that i have some pretty amazing friends. and i've always known i have amazing parents too.

enough happy things, more college stuff to go through next week. a big finance midterm on wednesday and an impromptu speech tomorrow. oh lord, wish me luck *fingers crossed*

remind me

brand new day

in little bit of a sombre mood today.
had a cloud above me that casted this dark shadow yet refuses to pour.

so tonight i'm drowning myself with tunes from joshua radin and cary brothers.
hope it's a brand new day for all of you tomorrow. :)

taken a year ago near puduraya, kuala lumpur.

good morning

as of this moment, i have precisely six word documents open. my laptop hasn't had a proper shutdown since god knows when because it's just easier to have everything i need open. not sure if it's a good thing, but they also serve as a constant reminder of my pending college assignments and looming deadlines.

this week hasn't been as dreadful as i envisioned. i can't tell if my statistics results turned out a whole lot better than i imagined because i got lucky or because i put too much pressure on myself to do well.

actually, i'm not sure where this post is going. if it isn't already clear, there is no real purpose to today's entry. except maybe to procrastinate. perhaps i feel like talking about the little things because the important things are too hard to talk about.

the other day, they aired vindicated when i was on my way to college. strange, but a welcomed strangeness from the usual playlist of like... five overplayed songs? well thank you, it made my day.

they say classical music is good for the mind

don't get me wrong, i have lots of love for classical music.

so i tried it the other day when i was having trouble concentrating.

but my mind just wondered away instead of focusing like it's supposed to.

the other day on the plane with my headphones on,

i switched back and forth from classical music to the normal pop/rock genre you hear on the radio.

it became cleat to me that it's impossible for me to focus on something else with classical music on because i get so involved with the music. the lack of words allow freedom for my mind to make up it's own meaning to the song. it paints pictures and my imagination goes wild.

moral of the story?

guess i'm sticking to silence for studying.

they say it's better to have loved and lost

cowards. both of us.
and that's why we'll never know.
unless our worlds somehow collide again in the future.
till then, life goes on.

they say home is where the heart is

this year, i'm feeling unfamiliarly unpatriotic ( i know i need to stop using double negatives!). what's worst is how nonchalant i am about it. independence day approached and passed without a flinch. probably the most patriotic thing i did all month was purchasing a copy of the federal constitution.

i've been wondering to myself... why? why so unpatriotic? have i changed? have i lost hope? if i were any more hardheaded than i already am, i would never admit to losing hope. it's slipping. but i know that i'll never lose it completely. it's just something i can't and won't let go off. no matter how seemingly unpatriotic i may seem on the outside,

this is still my home.

today i'm feeling extremely sensitive.
or to put it in a malaysian way, i terasa with many, many things.

and i should stop.

p.s. i typed shop instead of stop at first. funny typo but you know what, i should shop too.

except that i'm not supposed to be spending any unnecessary money.

boo :(

just another insomnia-tic period

been finding it hard to sleep at night.

again.

even when i'm super duper tired.

my mind just refuses to shut off.

people wonder what i run on.

i would like to know myself.

my remedy? headphones and good music.

i've always liked silence.

i've liked spending time in my own head.

but it doesn't help me sleep!

blasting music drowns out the overactive thoughts.

so i can finally sleep.

funny thing is that there are times where i can't fall asleep unless there's complete silence.

i'm a weird kid.

it's 4am.

i'm going to sleep.

:)

p.s. did you notice how many times i used the word 'sleep' in this post?

oops, i did it again :(

the personality test we did for class told me that i'm reserved, not good with small talk, most probably analyze too much.. well in short, a hermit in social situations. ah, all things i already know and agree with.

while chatting with a friend recently, i observed something about him.

so i told him.

and that was a mistake.

in my defense, he seemed to be one of the few people who would appreciate constructive criticism. i thought wrong and i guess i just really should have shut up.

there i go again, saying more than i should.

when everything's going okay, i'm just bound to screw something up somewhere eh?

perhaps there has been a full moon recently?

doesn't matter.

guess i'm going back to being reserved.

i don't want to hurt anyone or complicated relationships.

it's just easier.

there is something about



a m p l e s p a c e




and





clear
surfaces






that feels oh so liberating.

the room is still far from projecting minimalist perfection. but it hasn't been this clear in a long time.

today, it's just me and myself, with maroon 5 in my ears, in this white cubicle i call my room.

when all else fails, this is my recluse.

"truth is, everyone's going to hurt you.

you just have to find the ones worth suffering for."

-Bob Marley.

every morning

by amazing artist, maco.

stolen off here. :)

i knew i should have just said thank you for making me stronger and left it at that.

cling

left and leaving

today, it was obvious to me that i'm still vulnerable to pangs of pain. the time taken to recover from those pangs are perhaps an indicator of my emotional state. i do feel myself getting better though it's still not enough.
i've already spent too much time hurting.

sweat it out tomorrow morning? mmm... if i can wake up, that is.

also today, my necklace with this sparrow pendant broke. and so the little silver sparrow broke free of its chains.

come monday, i'm determined for 4 months of hard work.

then i get to leave,

a little while at least.

much like my little sparrow :)

unpretentious nights

today on my side of the world, we walked in a random cafe. the one we drove all the way there for in the jam was closed. i ordered hot chocolate and we talked.

we left for a nice restaurant where i ordered another cup of hot chocolate. we had our stomachs filled to the brim and we continued talking.

our movie plans did not work out. in fact, today was on the verge of not working out at all. fortunately, it did.

i'm so glad it did.

none of our conversations tonight were particularly insightful or memorable, but it just felt right. it's not everyday that i would get to spend the night with two people i feel so at home with.

i just know that i'm going to miss days like this.

the next time all of us would be in one place would probably be in a messenger conversation. thank the geeks for the technology but it won't be exactly the same.

also on my side of the world tonight, technology brought us together although we were located hardly 10 minutes away from each other. who needs a playlist when they can leech off and sing along to their friend's music through webcam?

hopefully, my plans to spend the end of this year getting lost in another part of this world works out. i can't wait! fingers crossed. :)

my final papers did not go too well. first time in my two years at college that i have been so unsure about my essay answers for a final exam.

i guess it is too easy to get caught up in the stressful yet mundane cycle of due dates and exams. as a result, the energy and drive to learn with childlike wonder extinguishes. rekindling that lost part of self is thus, my work in progress.

for now, i have two weeks to breathe. and i'm in love with this flurry of activity. i have awesome friends to be thankful for. friends that pull me into a comfort zone of lowered defenses. if happiness is not a place to stay, at least my visits are getting longer.

tonight, i would be in the arms of a warm blanket and in the company of a good book until sleep calls.

it's all good.

goodnight world :)

comfort zone

i can truly be me.

today, i can give myself a pat on the back.

but i don't know how long it will last.

the realist in me makes sure i don't forget the fact that i'm not as strong as i think.

just so that if i crumble and disintegrate again, i'll be more prepared.

one step at a time.

forward steps, that's all i'm asking for.

frustration

isn't a good thing.

not that i think very highly of myself

but it's just...

at times like this, i'd just wish there were 4 of me.

one more day.

hang in there.

head

ache.

and in a mid term in less than 10 hours.

in which i know nothing about.

i am awesome.

i wasn't scared. maybe that's where i went wrong.

i wasn't scared enough to prepare myself.

there was a sense of old memories floating around in that place.

and then, there was a breaking point.

i was overwhelmed.

slowly, pieces of me started breaking.

silently.

i gave myself time.

i took a long warm shower.

and then i put myself back together and moved on.

yesterday and today have been such strange days.

update when i have the time.

right now i'm buried under a huge pile of work...

due tomorrow.

ah... challenge.

goodbye.

four years.

i can't believe it's been four whole years.

four years since the last world cup.

four years since mcdonalds stopped selling chocolate soft-serve ice cream.

four years since young enterprise.

four years since the last time i was overly ambitious.

four years since i failed my first paper.

four years since a very close friend of mine drifted away.

four years since i broke a heart.

four years since i got close to the guy who eventually broke mine.

two words...

can't study.

one word...

help!

maturation

not always a good thing.

work work work. i must, i will.

less procrastination, more productivity.

remember when you were supergirl?

much of it may have died along the way,

but i'm sure it's still in you, somewhere.

and you have what it takes.

:)

and your problem is..

you are trying too hard to be someone you are not.

i miss the old you.

caged

my psychology lecturer says that our brains are wired to remember pain. it doesn't surprise me. it's as though there's this cage filled with past memories of us somewhere inside the complicated mess i call my brain. sometimes when i get dangerously close to that cage, it hurts again. so i try my best to push it to some corner where the out of sight, out of mind theory could be put into practice. it works at times but i can't seem to set it free completely.

because i don't know how, at least not yet.

even after so long.

but there's hope. there's always hope.

i smell like peach.

i don't believe in fairytales.

i miss my friend.

i need sleep.

fat hope

wanted: new songs for emo days.

damien rice doesn't seem to work on me anymore.

or maybe i'm getting better. happier.

meh, just wishful thinking.

today, we had fun.

board games and video games filled our time.

around 3am, we were at this mamak stall for supper.

a big part of malaysian culture.

i soaked in the atmosphere create by the sea of people keenly following a football finals match.

it's been a while.

i have a cupcake comparison post to write. i'm sorely disappointed but hardly surprised. it's just another reminder why i started baking in the first place.

that's for another day.

today was another one of those days where things don't feel quite right. and no matter how wonderful the day progresses to be, you just can't shake off that uneasy feeling.

i guess sometimes, the pieces don't fit anymore.

when i feel overwhelmed or when tensions run high, i try to open up my mind. i think of all the people who are going through worse. it helps me stay calm. i try to control my emotions. i admit, it's not something i'm very good at. i try.

but sometimes i wonder if it's worth doing all this for people who aren't even trying for me?

golden rule, my dear. golden rule.

give even though i might never receive.

be nice even to the people who might treat you like trash.

someday i'll learn to see pass this.

someday.

hello junior year,

please treat me well. i'm determined to do well. hopefully, other circumstances won't stand in my way. :)

this month has been stressful and on the most part, unsatisfying.

but the smallest things have made it easier to go through the month.

like that impromptu lunch in the middle of finals week where we played foosball.

or yesterday when we played on the seesaw while waiting for the others.

or times where we talk about nostalgic old video games like street fighter or that circus game we played on consoles that are now extinct.

the laughter during times like these are... real.

so simple, so carefree, so genuine.

is this what it feels like 24/7 for a kid?

my list before the holidays end

chocolate pavlova

cheesecake

cream puffs

shortbread cookies

chocolate mousse cake

i think i can. i think i can. i think i can.

uh no fun being sick when you don't need an excuse to get out of doing things because you're on holiday! at least the last day for finals wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. flu, shoo. be gone so i can start on the 'spring' cleaning, window shopping trips and baking sprees!

i wish i took this semester off.

2 papers before it's all over and done with, but i already feel like i screwed up.

p.s. earphones are such useful inventions. even when there might be nothing playing on it.

i think i have reached my isolate-self-at-home limit.

after finals, can we go somewhere i can wear my 3 and a 1/2 inch heels to?

matthew williamson!

so far, i've baked every single day of my study break away.

except today.

and today, i realized something.

i wouldn't call it a coincidence.

if i were an alcoholic, i'd have drank myself to sleep hours ago.

forgive me tuham, for i have sinned.

baked brownies instead of studying.

this chocolate craving and baking itch has to stop.

but now that i'm happy, i need to go study.

and i get to eat brownies while i'm at it. goodbye :)

"Even the term ‘friendship’ suddenly became a joke to me.
Our friendship, our great banter, the laughs and cheeky grins now reminded me of the real stuff we used to have before the shit hit the ceiling and now it was all quite ridiculous.

Like a charade, like something we had to perform."

-adapted from diva in the sugar bar.

hello, get the picture please. if i'm ignoring you it means i'm not interested. go away. thank you. :)

so i was feeling a little down yesterday...

it was midnight but i didn't care. my spirit needed some lifting and this molten chocolate lava cake did not disappoint me the slightest bit. warm, gooey, and oozing with liquid heaven. ironically, breaking this heart helped heal mine a little.

i have always had this belief that homemade will always triumph store-made with any dishes and desserts. it'll be my quest to prove it.

can't wait till the holidays because i know i ought to be focusing on my finals next week right now. sigh, i've never felt this dejected about my studies before finals. ok maybe i have but it hasn't been this bad in a long time and i don't like it.

thank you, cake, for making my day.

next on the list, oreo cheesecake cupcakes? i need to do something with all that cream cheese sitting in the fridge. oh and on the to-buy list is bailey's/rum/kahlua. i can't decide :(

"i let go.
lost in oblivion.
dark and silent and complete.
i found freedom.

losing all hope was freedom."

-chuck palahniuk in fight club.

transitions

i was thinking about a post on the sartorialist which i read a long while back. so i looked it up and was lucky enough to be able to find it. let's just say i find much truth in those paragraphs and i wish i could... leave, if only for a while just so i could rediscover who i really am.

"Actually the line that I think was the most telling but that she said like a throw-away qualifier was "I didn't know anyone in New York when I moved here...."

I think that is such a huge factor. To move to a city where you are not afraid to try something new because all the people that labeled who THEY think you are (parents, childhood friends) are not there to say " that's not you" or "you've changed". Well, maybe that person didn't change but finally became who they really are." -the sartorialist.

C is for cookie

the awesomest thing about making cookie dough (not that it even needs more reason to be awesome) is that it can be chilled and baked subsequently in small batches for warm, gooey, yummy instant gratification. bonus points when your family and friends fight over it :)

and this

this is because the real reason is that you're slipping away all by yourself.
ah, deja vu. hello, old friend. i wouldn't say i missed you, but... hello anyway.

i really feel that trying to live by the quote "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting battles of their own" has helped me be more positive in my life and my view towards others.

and i'm really glad i chose to take ethics this semester. it's trying times and i feel as though this semester has been one of the toughest yet. ethics keeps me sane. it makes reevaluation of life a must and doing it in a positive manner is what so many of us needs right now.

what i've noticed is that people often act irrationally and emotionally not out of spite or innate evil tendencies, but mostly out of hurt and pain. i also believe that humans are very forgetful creatures so it's important to remind ourselves what core values we live by for time to time. so we don't get misguided and end up becoming someone who our true selves would hate.

that's all for now. ttyl, blog. bye.

oh fence, please don't give way. i don't want to be anywhere but here for now.

oh negative energy, please leave. people who should be happy, aren't.

i hate this prolonged unproductivity.

but yet i keep making excuses for myself.

because it's needed to keep me sane.

so i don't sink,

so i don't explode if i put too much pressure on myself.

but i know i should stop.

if i was fully complete again, i probably could've. easily.

guess that's where the problem is.

something i can't exactly solve with the snap of my fingers.

possible solutions have been tried and tested.

leaving me with none other than the solution of time.

something i'm constantly running out of here.

clutter. too many things complicating life.

i wish i could leave this place for a little while.

where i can learn to fully let go.

to rediscover myself.

where time would move in slow motion

and could be fully devoted to me.

let's just say i haven't been very proud of who i am lately.

i miss myself.

i have a huge carton of buttermilk in my fridge.

and i need to finish it soon!

need to start building my list of recipes with buttermilk to try! :D

i'm the type of person who has very strong feelings about certain things and expects people to act accordingly. i expect people to care and to make the effort for their family and friends. but the thing is, these people think differently. they have different priorities, i guess. i can understand that, most of the time. but sometimes, i can't run from thinking that they are just plain selfish.

ironically, i'm also the type of person who tries not to judge people and the things they do. with an open mind, i listen, learn, and try to understand. i try to get to know people first before passing my verdict.. you know, that sort of stuff. and i try not to be too critical of people. because well, i'm not perfect. oh boy i'm far, far from perfect. so i don't expect people to be perfect either.

we all happen to live surrounded by so much judgement that it hinders so many possible friendships. negative preconceptions that lead to cold shoulders instead of warm hugs. that's such a sad thing and it gives birth to much loneliness in the world.

but we're all human. we can't really escape from prior impressions and gossip, can we? and sometimes these preconceptions turn out to be true and opening our hearts would only leave us exposed. then comes the time when we get hurt. we'll end up telling ourselves that we should've listened to that voice inside in the first place.

there's so many things on my mind these days. i ponder and i ponder again. life, love, happiness and the fragility of it all. more to say but i'm tired.

well to sum it up, i guess i'm just a really confused chick

who maybe, probably, thinks too much.

quote of the year:

"be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting battles of their own."

:)

the hottie and the nottie

paris's acting is horrendous but these few lines found the way to my heart.

"he doesn't get you. he doesn't deserve you."

"you think people get what they deserve in life?"

"i don't know.. yeah, if they are not willing to compromise. if they are not willing to settle for anything less."

"knowing what you are... is also knowing what you're not."

people used to tell me that i put unnecessary burden on myself. and i know i still do. it's like that saying which goes if you want things done right, do it yourself. sometimes i wish that person doing it herself didn't have to be me. i wish people were relying on someone else, which isn't exactly impossible. what's more impossible is wishing that I could let go and trust others to do it right. and it is this lack of trust on others that leads to the pilling of burden.

it must be nice to be able to go to sleep early knowing that you won't have to worry. is that why nobody bothers asking anymore?

always make time for your thoughts

from a book i found randomly in the library.

things that made me smile today

today, as you should have seen from the previous post, started out like a bitch. i gradually pushed things to the back of my mind. crazy friends, sandwiches, green tea cake, music, big fluffy dogs and lively ethics discussions helped. the heavy rain on the way home threatened to dampen spirits. we were splashed as cars drove pass through huge puddles of water on the way home. it seemed as though each car that passed us was driving faster and faster thus creating bigger splashes. it could've been frustrating, but i started laughing, and i couldn't stop.

ethics today was good. the golden rule starts with you. more to say but i need to go do work!

oh and glee. i absolutely love glee :)

inject some life into me

ah this is becoming a depressive blog all over again. i'm sorry.

speaking of sorry's, i got to stop saying them. it's such a automatic response for me to blame myself. i'm sure it's not healthy.

i hope i get better soon. i don't like waking up feeling like crap. it's as though i don't have enough blood running through me or something of that sort. i can hardly stand for a few moments without being unstable. when i'm lying down, i feel like i'm floating. slightly, and not in a good way. my head does not feel right. i feel faint. my stomach does not feel right. i feel nauseous.

am i slowly breaking down one body part by one body part?

it sure feels like it.

this physical weakness is certainly not helping my emotional weakness.

i need to get better. this is not a good place for me.

the golden rule

i still feel like katherine mayfair on today's episode of desperate housewives. internally, broken. minus the acting out of rage to make myself feel better of course. what a waste of energy.

it's just one of those days today. i'm sorry dear self for not being stronger. it'll be easier to pour all this out in tears. but i guess i'm all cried out.

i was thinking about the golden rule today. i do try to apply it in my life. and i've been trying to apply it to you. but it's too hard... too painful.

maybe i should just stop and be selfish for once.

it's tempting to fall. it's just so easy to walk through open doors. perhaps there's bait on the other end or some kind of force urging on from behind. you've been there. days like this, mind is blank and heavy as thought there's a ton of invisible stacked bricks exerting downward pressure. wish everything was simpler. but it isn't and it'll never be. choices, one of which i wish i could reverse and eliminate. it was never anything special to you. i'm just another girl. among a sea of other girls. guess i was foolish to believe. guess i don't know when i can and should ever start believing again. guess it's time to sleep.

dad calls him Alan Lambird

mom calls him Andie Lamberg

my parents are awesome.

dear god

On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you let go

Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

i click on this facebook application from time to time because it gives me hope. the strange thing is, i don't exactly believe in a god. i guess we just need a glimmer of hope once in a while.

i feel weak today.

i feel like i want to make things right.

but i can't.

hot and cold

annoyed is the girl who leaves out butter and/or eggs so they can come to room temperature for proper baking to be done but some smartass comes along and puts it back in the fridge. this. is. not. the. first. time. >:(

mission accomplished

:( emo-ness vented out :)
thank you tim burton <3

alice in wonderland deserves a post written when i'm not in a half-asleep stupor.
i need sleep soon.

gah, buck up ezen. it's elusive but i still want to have hope :(

i'm gonna go out and vent all my emo-ness now >=(

I'm so tired it's not even funny >=(

the tv was left on but the familiar dialogue of cable programs rerunning for the 84753th time got on those delicate nerves. the head was spinning. a lazy index finger proceeded to locate this big round button on the top of the remote control. it pressed down on it, hesitantly, as if it sensed what was to follow. sudden peace. too sudden. if you close your eyes, you would hear the cranky noises of the fan spinning above. if you open your eyes, you would want to close them again. emptiness might hit you too hard. it glares.

what's the most missed is the ability to trust someone fully and wholeheartedly.

gingerly, you wipe off a tear.

you know how there are places where you just don't fit in?

when should you try harder?
when should you stop trying?

Now I know I’ve got a heart,
because it’s breaking.

-Tin Woodsman in the Wizard of Oz

yes, i am a business student.

let the sun set

but can we stop the sun rise?
where's the pause button? :(

i'm still pretty messed up too.

"at first, i blamed her. then, i blamed him. then, i blamed both. then, i blamed none. i figured why waste my time? but it didn't change the fact that it hurt like hell. so despite the fact i managed to say why bother at all with the blaming, i was pretty messed up." -D.

close your eyes and breathe in the music

i miss music. i've been absent. and i've gotten so used to silence.
death cab for cutie tonight should do me some good.

goodnight, world :)

today i'm thinking of you

where are you, mr. mind reader?
i need to have an intellectual rant with you.
i need someone who can tell me what i'm thinking when i don't even know myself.

and you are the only person who can.

energy put to right use

i'm so tired at this very moment.
but it's a good day.
thanks to this little boy,
whom i watched as he drew a comic strip
in his little exercise book.

he reminded me of me.
of a me i used to be.
it's still within me.
i feel it.
i know it.
i just need reminders like this sometimes.

thank you :)

sometimes you just feel unimportant.
and it's okay. though it's not really. but you pretend it is anyway.
:)

i just can't.

truth is, i miss you.
but it's so much easier to hate you than to be friends with you.
i could try.
but i don't know when it's going to hit me again.
i'd be irrational, and then you'd be pissed.
like what happened the past few times you tried.
i don't blame you.
i don't blame myself.
i just wish it was easier for us to be friends the same way again.


this birthday, you're getting a lengthy letter.

of disappointing cupcakes

yesterday, my mom bought this cupcake. despite my hate for their unoriginality, i cracked due to curiosity. people were telling me that it's good so i had to try it when mom bought it.

this is going to be a brutally honest review because it was such a huge disappointment.

firstly, they didn't have boxes for one and gave me tissues instead. strike one.

what's worse was the cupcake itself. it was frosted with a chocolate buttercream which was grainy and didn't have the slightest hint of chocolate in it except for its color. strike two.

texture wise, the cake itself wasn't too bad. it did have a hard crust but it was moist enough within for me not to hate it. the flavor of the cupcake, though, wasn't... enough. there just wasn't enough chocolate flavor in it. to put it simply, i've had better chocolate cake in jaya jusco. strike three, i'm never going back.

they named this cupcake fatal attraction. but it is certainly not to die for. total waste of RM4.50. even if they were giving it out for free, i wouldn't want it. in fact, my mom didn't want anymore after the first bite. i ate a few more bites sans frosting and threw the rest away.

i don't get it, why do people say it's good??? was cupcake chic having an off day or is there something wrong with my taste buds? O.O

i'm not even a good baker. but this inspires me to bake my own cupcakes because they're hardly as disappointing as this.

today, i had the time of my life watching two of my guy friends shrieking and jumping around like girls. all thanks to the car's leather seats and the scorching hot weather. in fact, i think scorching might be an understatement. it was burning in there! but i might have been too busy laughing to notice :)

i forgot to say goodbye to my friend on the way out of the train today. i forgot to say thank you to another friend who bought me dinner yesterday and sent me all the way back home. and i have yet to thank him for teaching me so much though i'm supposed to be the one tutoring him.

thank you.

morning, love.

this was written early this morning.

i sit here in my corner of this joint. there's hustle and bustle and then, periods of calmness. it's been a while since i've done this, sat in my little corner for hours on end.

strange how everything is different yet the same. i recognize many faces that come through those glass panels. these are people i've never spoken to but have observed enough times to feel as though i know them personally.

the first familiar face today was mr. cap. his cap usually in his hand with a folded newspaper under the same arm as he walks in, puts his cap on the table and goes up to order his usual. his actions were the same, as predictable as before. but he looked different... somewhat older.

has it really been that long?

it's fascinating to watch the world move and time tick. the transformation of this place from the wee hours in the morning when the sun has barely risen to what it looks like later in the day. the same goes for the place outside the protection of these glass panels. all very much the same place, but the atmosphere is totally different.

i'm glad some things always stay the same. there's comfort and stability in knowing so. but as much as there's so much to love about routine, there's no escaping change.

this is the same corner. but this person sitting here, i can't exactly call the same person. i feel different, bruised by life.

can't believe it's almost been two years. this little corner surely brings back memories. back then, i was here so often. when i checked my phone for the time, some automatic reaction in me wanted to send you a good morning message. like i used to, everyday, for the past god knows how long.

but it's not surprising that i stopped myself.

there was once i tried and fought to hold on to familiarity, then there's now. i'm trying to let go. something in me died the day you decided to give up on me. i still can't even figure out what it was.

i picked up some miniature dandelion-like weeds on my way home. with a little self-induced wind, they separated and disembarked. i've been trying for so long and i've failed, many times. i wish letting go was that simple.

in the meantime as i continue to try, i'll still be able to find joy and a sense of peace in watching the sunrise from the side mirror.

for that, i am thankful.

hello monday

this monday was bearable. in fact, i think i finally felt motivated after a long time. the visiting professor was a good change. i could feel the rusty gears in my head trying to turn. the being forced to tutor would be fun and it'll do both of us some good. it's been a long time :)

time

something in me has been itching to bake. i thought it would eventually fade off as i pushed it aside. but it refuses to leave me.

i continued putting it on hold because of the midterms next week. though the truth is, i haven't been studying at all. the time supposedly saved has gone to even more waste.

i've been so unproductive.
this needs to change :(

i like it simple.

there are bad days where you get emotional, you pick fights, you say what you don't mean, you realize there are tears streaming down your face, and you feel sick all over.

then, there are good days where you see rainbows, your lips twitch upwards to form a smile, your smile turns into full grown laughter, you give hugs with all your heart, and everything is just so simple. even if it's complicated.

the downside of being sensitive

ah just when you thought the night couldn't get any worse.

here's what came to mind
sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words... may break my heart.

this was supposed to be an emo post

all the sadness, i can't help but let it affect me because i care about them so much. and all those goodbyes are definitely not fun.

this post started out somber. but there's already so much of it in the air, i changed my mind.

the other day we were having lunch as usual. the elderly uncle selling drinks started offering us chinese new year cookies. among them, pineapple tarts made by his daughter. i'm not sure if it was the hospitality or that it was so unexpected, but it made me smile :)

no magic wand

pain is watching a friend being hurt.
and not knowing how to be there for her.

ice cream was good.
so was the company.
i'm going to miss days like this :(

you strange little person

you remind me of her. the thinking too much before anything actually happens. i'd like to call it silly. i'm not disappointed, really. yet i can't deny feeling a little down. ah life and the decisions we make. i didn't tell you what was really on my mind today. i tried but they didn't turn out right so i decided against it. my mind's on that test i still have to study for and the clock is ticking. it was a fun day today though and i'm looking forward to another good day tomorrow =)

no more baby steps.
it's time to start running in heels.

this week i put all stresses on hold and chose to smell the roses fireworks. can't believe it's back to classes again tomorrow. already? damn. how nice it would be if i could turn back time. but if i could, i still wouldn't. because i'm contented. i'm happy :)

woke up today to a quiet house and with no idea what other people are up to. also not forgetting, a spinning head which thankfully subsided later. a morning of somewhat quiet calmness.

i should start on diminishing my pile of work.
but there's always a but.

why does everything else seem so much more appealing than what i really need to do? :)

i'm back baby

much work to be done. none of which i have even started on. i am so doomed.
so tied down. yet so carefree.

oh well, i'm having fun. :)

i'm home.

yesterday didn't end with a good night. i don't know what triggered it. maybe it was kelly clarkson's songs in the car during the drive home. or just the motion of returning home to a familiar place. was it frustration of hopes getting crushed and of things not going the way i foresaw it?

was it loneliness?

i woke up with sore eyes. and a worsened sore throat and runny nose. physically, i felt tired and weak. emotionally, it's just one of those days when you don't feel anything. an aftereffect- numbness.

some days like this are surreal. you see the world, you act and react. but you feel detached, like you're not really there. it's as though you're observing behind a glass panel.

i'm going to bed behind those same glass panels. when i wake up tomorrow, they might disappear. i can't decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

perhaps uncertainty is a good thing.

for ethics today, we covered lying, cheating, and breaking promises.
ah.. how apt. it's been bugging me.

simple, harmless lie? is there really such a thing? don't get me wrong, i won't pretend to be a saint. but was it really necessary in this case? did you put yourself in other people's shoes?

also, wouldn't life be much easier if we could never tell if people are lying? i wish you were a better liar. wish it wasn't all over your face.

ah c'est la vie. :)
more to say but not now.. have work to do!

will be off to terengganu tomorrow. a good change of environment? at least cows and goats won't lie, cheat, or break promises cause they can't make them in the first place.

lots of CNY love,
XOXO.

just two more days. two more days till i can finally sleep.
this week has been terribly busy. we're all struggling to keep up.
some people have such good body systems.
mine's all screwed up. i've slept so little the the last few days. and by little i mean i was up over 60 hours straight with only about 3 hours of sleep in between. my body finally reached the point that i could stand it no more. i'm not sure if i even remember the things i said and the people i talked to when i was dozing off in front of the screen. i tried to keep myself awake because there were things i needed to do that involved other people as well. so i had to make sure i settled them before anything else. after straight talking everything through, i didn't even bother shutting my laptop down because even that small action seemed so significantly tiresome. i closed the cover, plopped on my bed and i sleeeeeeeeeeept.

my first proper sleep of the week...
and then i woke up with a headache.
isn't life great?

haha.
anyway, sleep was still good. but now it's rinse and repeat.

needed to vent for a little bit. have to go back to studying for a test.
ah.. explains why i'm still up at 5am.

i haven't slept in more than 24 hours. those awful eye bags can testify to it. i'm sitting amidst a cold, quiet night. some days, it's nice to be alone, close those eyes and let the senses take over. inhale the mystery of tomorrow and exhale a sigh of relief that it's not all set in stone. there's room for change. but some days are more weary and filled with anxiety. the past haunts. should i be relieved it's over or should i be worried that the worst is yet to come? there are days when you just can't lie to yourself. days when you get tired of that smiley face and of being nice to people you don't want to be nice to. i started this blog because i was tired of the emo posts. but i can't always run. spirits are lifting but there are still daggers lodged deep in that tiny heart. even if they're gone, the wounds don't heal that easily and the scars won't disappear like an illusionist can. have you ever felt like an island?

will i get any sleep tonight?

learning to love life again

so much sadness around me, it's almost hard to keep afloat. but i don't want to fall so i'm not going to. cheer up guys, just stay strong. it's often hard to see through the fog of frustration.. but if we look harder, there's also so much to love in life :)

like shopping with friends and giggles in fitting rooms, birthday celebrations where we stuff ourselves silly with food, ice cream joy shared with plenty of friends, fooling around in college lifts, colormekatie, friends arguing about lady gaga and boys like girls in the car, watching glee after a long tiring day...

then, there are days when people ask me about him because they haven't heard it's over. not that i don't want them to talk about it or that it sometimes brings back memories, it's just that i don't know what to say most of the time. it was too sudden, it hurt so much, and i dealt with it by trying to block it all out. they ask me what happened, and i wish it was easy to answer them. truth is, i don't know. people change and i don't know anymore if any of it was real. even if it lasted over 2 years.

i can let it go now because being bummed about it isn't going to do my life any good.

i'm decluttering my life.
what's important now is being healthy and happy.


P.S. haz, hope you're sitting beside a hot chick on that long plane ride you're on right now.

work is piling up!

ah.. the work pile just keeps growing and growing! the stress comes from the needing and wanting to do well. the drowning sensation comes from the lack of time taking its toll on my already sleep deprived body. i'm tired but i'm pushing myself because amidst all this, i do feel a sense of excitement =)

what i need to do: stop procrastinating and get to work!

wish me luck! <3

connecting

we had a good time talking and connecting with the villagers during fieldwork yesterday. it was refreshing how friendly they were and how easily they let us into their lives.

have you ever felt that living in the city makes us more isolated? our doors are closed, locked and double locked. we end up being suspicious of people so much so that we're taught not to talk to strangers. i guess we can blame the crime rate for this.

we still do get people in the city who can connect with anyone and everyone. i'm amazed and inspired as i've always been more timid by nature. i try sometimes, but i got to try harder. i'm going to make it a point to connect more with people, both friends and total strangers :)

today is a gift, that's why it's called the present

new blog after so long because i kept feeling like i was sucked into the past with my old blog. this new start is refreshing.

i choose how i feel and what kind of energy i bring around with me. i'm choosing to be free and to love life. here i am, living in the the present :)