It frightens me that I feel like I can't tell him everything.
Afraid that he'll change his mind about me.
It frightens me that I'll never be the same.
I don't know how to give it my all.
And when i see myself getting there, I stop.
It doesn't always work out for me.
I go there at times, blame this silly little heart of mine.
But when I do, I realize that it's not the same.
I don't know how to be carefree.
I don't know how to trust fully.
I don't know how to give without expecting anything in return.
I guess what i get in return now helps keeps me at ease.
I'm not the same.
I'm not okay.
I don't know anymore.
It's not fair.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
It's been so long since I've written
Perhaps I stopped writing because penning down my thoughts make them more real; more frightening.
My thoughts drift towards my hometown. It isn't even really my 'hometown' in the true sense of the word because I wasn't born or raised there. Kuala Lumpur is my home but I will always have this special connection to this tiny little place in the middle of nowhere. Gazing out the car windows, watching as the scenery changes drastically. We're here. The sea breeze in our faces, the tall coconut trees that we don't park our cars under, the sand that gets in your footwear... this place is so foreign yet so familiar. Did we just get that new gate? Oh, we have a cat now?and a kitten?
I guess in a way, the passing of my grandfather meant that there was no reason to bring us back to this place anymore; no reason to drive 7 hours away from civilization. I fear losing it all. We've lost him. It was his time. But along with it, I foresee us slowly losing our ties to this special place too. It makes me sad as I imagine the cobwebs and dust slowly gathering over the wooden flooring; slowly covering up our past.. making it more distant and further away than ever.
Will my kids ever know of this place? Will they get to swim in the river in the backyard? Will they get to throw food leftovers through the slotted wooden planks of the living room for the chickens? Will they get to go through the obstacle course of cow dunk to get to neighbors' houses for Chinese New Year? Will they... get to help a goat escape the blindness of getting his head stuck in a tin can? Prepare meals in the outdoor kitchen? Shower with well water? Wake up to pee in the outdoor bathroom in the middle of the night? Get scared by beetles attracted to the lights? Be woken by the crowing of roosters? Play hide and seek in the many rooms? Spend lighthearted afternoons in the 'pondok'? Make a bonfire? Look up to see the star-filled sky?
I remember.
My thoughts drift towards my hometown. It isn't even really my 'hometown' in the true sense of the word because I wasn't born or raised there. Kuala Lumpur is my home but I will always have this special connection to this tiny little place in the middle of nowhere. Gazing out the car windows, watching as the scenery changes drastically. We're here. The sea breeze in our faces, the tall coconut trees that we don't park our cars under, the sand that gets in your footwear... this place is so foreign yet so familiar. Did we just get that new gate? Oh, we have a cat now?and a kitten?
I guess in a way, the passing of my grandfather meant that there was no reason to bring us back to this place anymore; no reason to drive 7 hours away from civilization. I fear losing it all. We've lost him. It was his time. But along with it, I foresee us slowly losing our ties to this special place too. It makes me sad as I imagine the cobwebs and dust slowly gathering over the wooden flooring; slowly covering up our past.. making it more distant and further away than ever.
Will my kids ever know of this place? Will they get to swim in the river in the backyard? Will they get to throw food leftovers through the slotted wooden planks of the living room for the chickens? Will they get to go through the obstacle course of cow dunk to get to neighbors' houses for Chinese New Year? Will they... get to help a goat escape the blindness of getting his head stuck in a tin can? Prepare meals in the outdoor kitchen? Shower with well water? Wake up to pee in the outdoor bathroom in the middle of the night? Get scared by beetles attracted to the lights? Be woken by the crowing of roosters? Play hide and seek in the many rooms? Spend lighthearted afternoons in the 'pondok'? Make a bonfire? Look up to see the star-filled sky?
I remember.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
360
interesting how a day can change with the snap of some fingers.
my good day just got shattered. i'm not very happy about it.
i should've just gone to sleep.
Monday, January 10, 2011
complexities
it's strange how you may think you know so much about something but in actual fact, you might know nothing at all.
couple of crazy friends and me decided to take a drive around the city in the wee hours this morning. the car made it different from the strolls i have taken. i felt as if we were confined in a bubble, our very own little space where we spoke of everything and laughed at anything. we watched the streets and the people as if they were on television. i have lived in this city all my life. but it's times like these that make me feel the most intrigued. there's so much i still don't know about you, KL.
are people the same? are people so complex that we never really, truly know a person?
maybe.
i guess that's what makes life so interesting eh? to discover something new every day.
however, you made it simple that day.
i needed that more.
thank you.
couple of crazy friends and me decided to take a drive around the city in the wee hours this morning. the car made it different from the strolls i have taken. i felt as if we were confined in a bubble, our very own little space where we spoke of everything and laughed at anything. we watched the streets and the people as if they were on television. i have lived in this city all my life. but it's times like these that make me feel the most intrigued. there's so much i still don't know about you, KL.
are people the same? are people so complex that we never really, truly know a person?
maybe.
i guess that's what makes life so interesting eh? to discover something new every day.
however, you made it simple that day.
i needed that more.
thank you.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
crumbles
and the discouragement spree continues.
i'm trying to keep myself optimistic.
but these things are making it real hard.
all these frustrations are brining back emotions of pain.
no, not fun at all.
rise above.
rise.
i'm trying to keep myself optimistic.
but these things are making it real hard.
all these frustrations are brining back emotions of pain.
no, not fun at all.
rise above.
rise.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
too tired to care
it's disturbing to me that i can only express myself openly in a place where... nobody knows my name.
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