quote of the year:

"be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting battles of their own."

:)

the hottie and the nottie

paris's acting is horrendous but these few lines found the way to my heart.

"he doesn't get you. he doesn't deserve you."

"you think people get what they deserve in life?"

"i don't know.. yeah, if they are not willing to compromise. if they are not willing to settle for anything less."

"knowing what you are... is also knowing what you're not."

people used to tell me that i put unnecessary burden on myself. and i know i still do. it's like that saying which goes if you want things done right, do it yourself. sometimes i wish that person doing it herself didn't have to be me. i wish people were relying on someone else, which isn't exactly impossible. what's more impossible is wishing that I could let go and trust others to do it right. and it is this lack of trust on others that leads to the pilling of burden.

it must be nice to be able to go to sleep early knowing that you won't have to worry. is that why nobody bothers asking anymore?

always make time for your thoughts

from a book i found randomly in the library.

things that made me smile today

today, as you should have seen from the previous post, started out like a bitch. i gradually pushed things to the back of my mind. crazy friends, sandwiches, green tea cake, music, big fluffy dogs and lively ethics discussions helped. the heavy rain on the way home threatened to dampen spirits. we were splashed as cars drove pass through huge puddles of water on the way home. it seemed as though each car that passed us was driving faster and faster thus creating bigger splashes. it could've been frustrating, but i started laughing, and i couldn't stop.

ethics today was good. the golden rule starts with you. more to say but i need to go do work!

oh and glee. i absolutely love glee :)

inject some life into me

ah this is becoming a depressive blog all over again. i'm sorry.

speaking of sorry's, i got to stop saying them. it's such a automatic response for me to blame myself. i'm sure it's not healthy.

i hope i get better soon. i don't like waking up feeling like crap. it's as though i don't have enough blood running through me or something of that sort. i can hardly stand for a few moments without being unstable. when i'm lying down, i feel like i'm floating. slightly, and not in a good way. my head does not feel right. i feel faint. my stomach does not feel right. i feel nauseous.

am i slowly breaking down one body part by one body part?

it sure feels like it.

this physical weakness is certainly not helping my emotional weakness.

i need to get better. this is not a good place for me.

the golden rule

i still feel like katherine mayfair on today's episode of desperate housewives. internally, broken. minus the acting out of rage to make myself feel better of course. what a waste of energy.

it's just one of those days today. i'm sorry dear self for not being stronger. it'll be easier to pour all this out in tears. but i guess i'm all cried out.

i was thinking about the golden rule today. i do try to apply it in my life. and i've been trying to apply it to you. but it's too hard... too painful.

maybe i should just stop and be selfish for once.

it's tempting to fall. it's just so easy to walk through open doors. perhaps there's bait on the other end or some kind of force urging on from behind. you've been there. days like this, mind is blank and heavy as thought there's a ton of invisible stacked bricks exerting downward pressure. wish everything was simpler. but it isn't and it'll never be. choices, one of which i wish i could reverse and eliminate. it was never anything special to you. i'm just another girl. among a sea of other girls. guess i was foolish to believe. guess i don't know when i can and should ever start believing again. guess it's time to sleep.

dad calls him Alan Lambird

mom calls him Andie Lamberg

my parents are awesome.

dear god

On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you let go

Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

i click on this facebook application from time to time because it gives me hope. the strange thing is, i don't exactly believe in a god. i guess we just need a glimmer of hope once in a while.

i feel weak today.

i feel like i want to make things right.

but i can't.

hot and cold

annoyed is the girl who leaves out butter and/or eggs so they can come to room temperature for proper baking to be done but some smartass comes along and puts it back in the fridge. this. is. not. the. first. time. >:(

mission accomplished

:( emo-ness vented out :)
thank you tim burton <3

alice in wonderland deserves a post written when i'm not in a half-asleep stupor.
i need sleep soon.

gah, buck up ezen. it's elusive but i still want to have hope :(

i'm gonna go out and vent all my emo-ness now >=(

I'm so tired it's not even funny >=(

the tv was left on but the familiar dialogue of cable programs rerunning for the 84753th time got on those delicate nerves. the head was spinning. a lazy index finger proceeded to locate this big round button on the top of the remote control. it pressed down on it, hesitantly, as if it sensed what was to follow. sudden peace. too sudden. if you close your eyes, you would hear the cranky noises of the fan spinning above. if you open your eyes, you would want to close them again. emptiness might hit you too hard. it glares.

what's the most missed is the ability to trust someone fully and wholeheartedly.

gingerly, you wipe off a tear.

you know how there are places where you just don't fit in?

when should you try harder?
when should you stop trying?

Now I know I’ve got a heart,
because it’s breaking.

-Tin Woodsman in the Wizard of Oz

yes, i am a business student.

let the sun set

but can we stop the sun rise?
where's the pause button? :(

i'm still pretty messed up too.

"at first, i blamed her. then, i blamed him. then, i blamed both. then, i blamed none. i figured why waste my time? but it didn't change the fact that it hurt like hell. so despite the fact i managed to say why bother at all with the blaming, i was pretty messed up." -D.

close your eyes and breathe in the music

i miss music. i've been absent. and i've gotten so used to silence.
death cab for cutie tonight should do me some good.

goodnight, world :)

today i'm thinking of you

where are you, mr. mind reader?
i need to have an intellectual rant with you.
i need someone who can tell me what i'm thinking when i don't even know myself.

and you are the only person who can.

energy put to right use

i'm so tired at this very moment.
but it's a good day.
thanks to this little boy,
whom i watched as he drew a comic strip
in his little exercise book.

he reminded me of me.
of a me i used to be.
it's still within me.
i feel it.
i know it.
i just need reminders like this sometimes.

thank you :)

sometimes you just feel unimportant.
and it's okay. though it's not really. but you pretend it is anyway.
:)

i just can't.

truth is, i miss you.
but it's so much easier to hate you than to be friends with you.
i could try.
but i don't know when it's going to hit me again.
i'd be irrational, and then you'd be pissed.
like what happened the past few times you tried.
i don't blame you.
i don't blame myself.
i just wish it was easier for us to be friends the same way again.


this birthday, you're getting a lengthy letter.

of disappointing cupcakes

yesterday, my mom bought this cupcake. despite my hate for their unoriginality, i cracked due to curiosity. people were telling me that it's good so i had to try it when mom bought it.

this is going to be a brutally honest review because it was such a huge disappointment.

firstly, they didn't have boxes for one and gave me tissues instead. strike one.

what's worse was the cupcake itself. it was frosted with a chocolate buttercream which was grainy and didn't have the slightest hint of chocolate in it except for its color. strike two.

texture wise, the cake itself wasn't too bad. it did have a hard crust but it was moist enough within for me not to hate it. the flavor of the cupcake, though, wasn't... enough. there just wasn't enough chocolate flavor in it. to put it simply, i've had better chocolate cake in jaya jusco. strike three, i'm never going back.

they named this cupcake fatal attraction. but it is certainly not to die for. total waste of RM4.50. even if they were giving it out for free, i wouldn't want it. in fact, my mom didn't want anymore after the first bite. i ate a few more bites sans frosting and threw the rest away.

i don't get it, why do people say it's good??? was cupcake chic having an off day or is there something wrong with my taste buds? O.O

i'm not even a good baker. but this inspires me to bake my own cupcakes because they're hardly as disappointing as this.

today, i had the time of my life watching two of my guy friends shrieking and jumping around like girls. all thanks to the car's leather seats and the scorching hot weather. in fact, i think scorching might be an understatement. it was burning in there! but i might have been too busy laughing to notice :)

i forgot to say goodbye to my friend on the way out of the train today. i forgot to say thank you to another friend who bought me dinner yesterday and sent me all the way back home. and i have yet to thank him for teaching me so much though i'm supposed to be the one tutoring him.

thank you.

morning, love.

this was written early this morning.

i sit here in my corner of this joint. there's hustle and bustle and then, periods of calmness. it's been a while since i've done this, sat in my little corner for hours on end.

strange how everything is different yet the same. i recognize many faces that come through those glass panels. these are people i've never spoken to but have observed enough times to feel as though i know them personally.

the first familiar face today was mr. cap. his cap usually in his hand with a folded newspaper under the same arm as he walks in, puts his cap on the table and goes up to order his usual. his actions were the same, as predictable as before. but he looked different... somewhat older.

has it really been that long?

it's fascinating to watch the world move and time tick. the transformation of this place from the wee hours in the morning when the sun has barely risen to what it looks like later in the day. the same goes for the place outside the protection of these glass panels. all very much the same place, but the atmosphere is totally different.

i'm glad some things always stay the same. there's comfort and stability in knowing so. but as much as there's so much to love about routine, there's no escaping change.

this is the same corner. but this person sitting here, i can't exactly call the same person. i feel different, bruised by life.

can't believe it's almost been two years. this little corner surely brings back memories. back then, i was here so often. when i checked my phone for the time, some automatic reaction in me wanted to send you a good morning message. like i used to, everyday, for the past god knows how long.

but it's not surprising that i stopped myself.

there was once i tried and fought to hold on to familiarity, then there's now. i'm trying to let go. something in me died the day you decided to give up on me. i still can't even figure out what it was.

i picked up some miniature dandelion-like weeds on my way home. with a little self-induced wind, they separated and disembarked. i've been trying for so long and i've failed, many times. i wish letting go was that simple.

in the meantime as i continue to try, i'll still be able to find joy and a sense of peace in watching the sunrise from the side mirror.

for that, i am thankful.

hello monday

this monday was bearable. in fact, i think i finally felt motivated after a long time. the visiting professor was a good change. i could feel the rusty gears in my head trying to turn. the being forced to tutor would be fun and it'll do both of us some good. it's been a long time :)