time

something in me has been itching to bake. i thought it would eventually fade off as i pushed it aside. but it refuses to leave me.

i continued putting it on hold because of the midterms next week. though the truth is, i haven't been studying at all. the time supposedly saved has gone to even more waste.

i've been so unproductive.
this needs to change :(

i like it simple.

there are bad days where you get emotional, you pick fights, you say what you don't mean, you realize there are tears streaming down your face, and you feel sick all over.

then, there are good days where you see rainbows, your lips twitch upwards to form a smile, your smile turns into full grown laughter, you give hugs with all your heart, and everything is just so simple. even if it's complicated.

the downside of being sensitive

ah just when you thought the night couldn't get any worse.

here's what came to mind
sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words... may break my heart.

this was supposed to be an emo post

all the sadness, i can't help but let it affect me because i care about them so much. and all those goodbyes are definitely not fun.

this post started out somber. but there's already so much of it in the air, i changed my mind.

the other day we were having lunch as usual. the elderly uncle selling drinks started offering us chinese new year cookies. among them, pineapple tarts made by his daughter. i'm not sure if it was the hospitality or that it was so unexpected, but it made me smile :)

no magic wand

pain is watching a friend being hurt.
and not knowing how to be there for her.

ice cream was good.
so was the company.
i'm going to miss days like this :(

you strange little person

you remind me of her. the thinking too much before anything actually happens. i'd like to call it silly. i'm not disappointed, really. yet i can't deny feeling a little down. ah life and the decisions we make. i didn't tell you what was really on my mind today. i tried but they didn't turn out right so i decided against it. my mind's on that test i still have to study for and the clock is ticking. it was a fun day today though and i'm looking forward to another good day tomorrow =)

no more baby steps.
it's time to start running in heels.

this week i put all stresses on hold and chose to smell the roses fireworks. can't believe it's back to classes again tomorrow. already? damn. how nice it would be if i could turn back time. but if i could, i still wouldn't. because i'm contented. i'm happy :)

woke up today to a quiet house and with no idea what other people are up to. also not forgetting, a spinning head which thankfully subsided later. a morning of somewhat quiet calmness.

i should start on diminishing my pile of work.
but there's always a but.

why does everything else seem so much more appealing than what i really need to do? :)

i'm back baby

much work to be done. none of which i have even started on. i am so doomed.
so tied down. yet so carefree.

oh well, i'm having fun. :)

i'm home.

yesterday didn't end with a good night. i don't know what triggered it. maybe it was kelly clarkson's songs in the car during the drive home. or just the motion of returning home to a familiar place. was it frustration of hopes getting crushed and of things not going the way i foresaw it?

was it loneliness?

i woke up with sore eyes. and a worsened sore throat and runny nose. physically, i felt tired and weak. emotionally, it's just one of those days when you don't feel anything. an aftereffect- numbness.

some days like this are surreal. you see the world, you act and react. but you feel detached, like you're not really there. it's as though you're observing behind a glass panel.

i'm going to bed behind those same glass panels. when i wake up tomorrow, they might disappear. i can't decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

perhaps uncertainty is a good thing.

for ethics today, we covered lying, cheating, and breaking promises.
ah.. how apt. it's been bugging me.

simple, harmless lie? is there really such a thing? don't get me wrong, i won't pretend to be a saint. but was it really necessary in this case? did you put yourself in other people's shoes?

also, wouldn't life be much easier if we could never tell if people are lying? i wish you were a better liar. wish it wasn't all over your face.

ah c'est la vie. :)
more to say but not now.. have work to do!

will be off to terengganu tomorrow. a good change of environment? at least cows and goats won't lie, cheat, or break promises cause they can't make them in the first place.

lots of CNY love,
XOXO.

just two more days. two more days till i can finally sleep.
this week has been terribly busy. we're all struggling to keep up.
some people have such good body systems.
mine's all screwed up. i've slept so little the the last few days. and by little i mean i was up over 60 hours straight with only about 3 hours of sleep in between. my body finally reached the point that i could stand it no more. i'm not sure if i even remember the things i said and the people i talked to when i was dozing off in front of the screen. i tried to keep myself awake because there were things i needed to do that involved other people as well. so i had to make sure i settled them before anything else. after straight talking everything through, i didn't even bother shutting my laptop down because even that small action seemed so significantly tiresome. i closed the cover, plopped on my bed and i sleeeeeeeeeeept.

my first proper sleep of the week...
and then i woke up with a headache.
isn't life great?

haha.
anyway, sleep was still good. but now it's rinse and repeat.

needed to vent for a little bit. have to go back to studying for a test.
ah.. explains why i'm still up at 5am.

i haven't slept in more than 24 hours. those awful eye bags can testify to it. i'm sitting amidst a cold, quiet night. some days, it's nice to be alone, close those eyes and let the senses take over. inhale the mystery of tomorrow and exhale a sigh of relief that it's not all set in stone. there's room for change. but some days are more weary and filled with anxiety. the past haunts. should i be relieved it's over or should i be worried that the worst is yet to come? there are days when you just can't lie to yourself. days when you get tired of that smiley face and of being nice to people you don't want to be nice to. i started this blog because i was tired of the emo posts. but i can't always run. spirits are lifting but there are still daggers lodged deep in that tiny heart. even if they're gone, the wounds don't heal that easily and the scars won't disappear like an illusionist can. have you ever felt like an island?

will i get any sleep tonight?

learning to love life again

so much sadness around me, it's almost hard to keep afloat. but i don't want to fall so i'm not going to. cheer up guys, just stay strong. it's often hard to see through the fog of frustration.. but if we look harder, there's also so much to love in life :)

like shopping with friends and giggles in fitting rooms, birthday celebrations where we stuff ourselves silly with food, ice cream joy shared with plenty of friends, fooling around in college lifts, colormekatie, friends arguing about lady gaga and boys like girls in the car, watching glee after a long tiring day...

then, there are days when people ask me about him because they haven't heard it's over. not that i don't want them to talk about it or that it sometimes brings back memories, it's just that i don't know what to say most of the time. it was too sudden, it hurt so much, and i dealt with it by trying to block it all out. they ask me what happened, and i wish it was easy to answer them. truth is, i don't know. people change and i don't know anymore if any of it was real. even if it lasted over 2 years.

i can let it go now because being bummed about it isn't going to do my life any good.

i'm decluttering my life.
what's important now is being healthy and happy.


P.S. haz, hope you're sitting beside a hot chick on that long plane ride you're on right now.

work is piling up!

ah.. the work pile just keeps growing and growing! the stress comes from the needing and wanting to do well. the drowning sensation comes from the lack of time taking its toll on my already sleep deprived body. i'm tired but i'm pushing myself because amidst all this, i do feel a sense of excitement =)

what i need to do: stop procrastinating and get to work!

wish me luck! <3

connecting

we had a good time talking and connecting with the villagers during fieldwork yesterday. it was refreshing how friendly they were and how easily they let us into their lives.

have you ever felt that living in the city makes us more isolated? our doors are closed, locked and double locked. we end up being suspicious of people so much so that we're taught not to talk to strangers. i guess we can blame the crime rate for this.

we still do get people in the city who can connect with anyone and everyone. i'm amazed and inspired as i've always been more timid by nature. i try sometimes, but i got to try harder. i'm going to make it a point to connect more with people, both friends and total strangers :)