i wish i took this semester off.

2 papers before it's all over and done with, but i already feel like i screwed up.

p.s. earphones are such useful inventions. even when there might be nothing playing on it.

i think i have reached my isolate-self-at-home limit.

after finals, can we go somewhere i can wear my 3 and a 1/2 inch heels to?

matthew williamson!

so far, i've baked every single day of my study break away.

except today.

and today, i realized something.

i wouldn't call it a coincidence.

if i were an alcoholic, i'd have drank myself to sleep hours ago.

forgive me tuham, for i have sinned.

baked brownies instead of studying.

this chocolate craving and baking itch has to stop.

but now that i'm happy, i need to go study.

and i get to eat brownies while i'm at it. goodbye :)

"Even the term ‘friendship’ suddenly became a joke to me.
Our friendship, our great banter, the laughs and cheeky grins now reminded me of the real stuff we used to have before the shit hit the ceiling and now it was all quite ridiculous.

Like a charade, like something we had to perform."

-adapted from diva in the sugar bar.

hello, get the picture please. if i'm ignoring you it means i'm not interested. go away. thank you. :)

so i was feeling a little down yesterday...

it was midnight but i didn't care. my spirit needed some lifting and this molten chocolate lava cake did not disappoint me the slightest bit. warm, gooey, and oozing with liquid heaven. ironically, breaking this heart helped heal mine a little.

i have always had this belief that homemade will always triumph store-made with any dishes and desserts. it'll be my quest to prove it.

can't wait till the holidays because i know i ought to be focusing on my finals next week right now. sigh, i've never felt this dejected about my studies before finals. ok maybe i have but it hasn't been this bad in a long time and i don't like it.

thank you, cake, for making my day.

next on the list, oreo cheesecake cupcakes? i need to do something with all that cream cheese sitting in the fridge. oh and on the to-buy list is bailey's/rum/kahlua. i can't decide :(

"i let go.
lost in oblivion.
dark and silent and complete.
i found freedom.

losing all hope was freedom."

-chuck palahniuk in fight club.

transitions

i was thinking about a post on the sartorialist which i read a long while back. so i looked it up and was lucky enough to be able to find it. let's just say i find much truth in those paragraphs and i wish i could... leave, if only for a while just so i could rediscover who i really am.

"Actually the line that I think was the most telling but that she said like a throw-away qualifier was "I didn't know anyone in New York when I moved here...."

I think that is such a huge factor. To move to a city where you are not afraid to try something new because all the people that labeled who THEY think you are (parents, childhood friends) are not there to say " that's not you" or "you've changed". Well, maybe that person didn't change but finally became who they really are." -the sartorialist.

C is for cookie

the awesomest thing about making cookie dough (not that it even needs more reason to be awesome) is that it can be chilled and baked subsequently in small batches for warm, gooey, yummy instant gratification. bonus points when your family and friends fight over it :)

and this

this is because the real reason is that you're slipping away all by yourself.
ah, deja vu. hello, old friend. i wouldn't say i missed you, but... hello anyway.

i really feel that trying to live by the quote "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting battles of their own" has helped me be more positive in my life and my view towards others.

and i'm really glad i chose to take ethics this semester. it's trying times and i feel as though this semester has been one of the toughest yet. ethics keeps me sane. it makes reevaluation of life a must and doing it in a positive manner is what so many of us needs right now.

what i've noticed is that people often act irrationally and emotionally not out of spite or innate evil tendencies, but mostly out of hurt and pain. i also believe that humans are very forgetful creatures so it's important to remind ourselves what core values we live by for time to time. so we don't get misguided and end up becoming someone who our true selves would hate.

that's all for now. ttyl, blog. bye.

oh fence, please don't give way. i don't want to be anywhere but here for now.

oh negative energy, please leave. people who should be happy, aren't.

i hate this prolonged unproductivity.

but yet i keep making excuses for myself.

because it's needed to keep me sane.

so i don't sink,

so i don't explode if i put too much pressure on myself.

but i know i should stop.

if i was fully complete again, i probably could've. easily.

guess that's where the problem is.

something i can't exactly solve with the snap of my fingers.

possible solutions have been tried and tested.

leaving me with none other than the solution of time.

something i'm constantly running out of here.

clutter. too many things complicating life.

i wish i could leave this place for a little while.

where i can learn to fully let go.

to rediscover myself.

where time would move in slow motion

and could be fully devoted to me.

let's just say i haven't been very proud of who i am lately.

i miss myself.

i have a huge carton of buttermilk in my fridge.

and i need to finish it soon!

need to start building my list of recipes with buttermilk to try! :D

i'm the type of person who has very strong feelings about certain things and expects people to act accordingly. i expect people to care and to make the effort for their family and friends. but the thing is, these people think differently. they have different priorities, i guess. i can understand that, most of the time. but sometimes, i can't run from thinking that they are just plain selfish.

ironically, i'm also the type of person who tries not to judge people and the things they do. with an open mind, i listen, learn, and try to understand. i try to get to know people first before passing my verdict.. you know, that sort of stuff. and i try not to be too critical of people. because well, i'm not perfect. oh boy i'm far, far from perfect. so i don't expect people to be perfect either.

we all happen to live surrounded by so much judgement that it hinders so many possible friendships. negative preconceptions that lead to cold shoulders instead of warm hugs. that's such a sad thing and it gives birth to much loneliness in the world.

but we're all human. we can't really escape from prior impressions and gossip, can we? and sometimes these preconceptions turn out to be true and opening our hearts would only leave us exposed. then comes the time when we get hurt. we'll end up telling ourselves that we should've listened to that voice inside in the first place.

there's so many things on my mind these days. i ponder and i ponder again. life, love, happiness and the fragility of it all. more to say but i'm tired.

well to sum it up, i guess i'm just a really confused chick

who maybe, probably, thinks too much.