It's been so long since I've written

Perhaps I stopped writing because penning down my thoughts make them more real; more frightening.

My thoughts drift towards my hometown. It isn't even really my 'hometown' in the true sense of the word because I wasn't born or raised there. Kuala Lumpur is my home but I will always have this special connection to this tiny little place in the middle of nowhere. Gazing out the car windows, watching as the scenery changes drastically. We're here. The sea breeze in our faces, the tall coconut trees that we don't park our cars under, the sand that gets in your footwear... this place is so foreign yet so familiar. Did we just get that new gate? Oh, we have a cat now?and a kitten?

I guess in a way, the passing of my grandfather meant that there was no reason to bring us back to this  place anymore; no reason to drive 7 hours away from civilization. I fear losing it all. We've lost him. It was his time. But along with it, I foresee us slowly losing our ties to this special place too. It makes me sad as I imagine the cobwebs and dust slowly gathering over the wooden flooring; slowly covering up our past.. making it more distant and further away than ever.

Will my kids ever know of this place? Will they get to swim in the river in the backyard? Will they get to throw food leftovers through the slotted wooden planks of the living room for the chickens? Will they get to go through the obstacle course of cow dunk to get to neighbors' houses for Chinese New Year? Will they... get to help a goat escape the blindness of getting his head stuck in a tin can? Prepare meals in the outdoor kitchen? Shower with well water? Wake up to pee in the outdoor bathroom in the middle of the night? Get scared by beetles attracted to the lights? Be woken by the crowing of roosters? Play hide and seek in the many rooms? Spend lighthearted afternoons in the 'pondok'? Make a bonfire? Look up to see the star-filled sky?

I remember.