of death.

we all know death is inevitable.

we know that it will happen eventually.

yet we are never really prepared for that moment, are we?

we are never really ready to say goodbye.

i had a terrible feeling the second the phone rang.

nobody tries that hard to reach us in the middle of the night without a good reason.

the next thing i know, i heard crying.

my great grandmother was 95 according to official documents.

she loved chocolate.

she was never stingy with laughter.

and she lived a long life.

i don't think it has really sinked into me yet.

not even after we laid her body to rest today.

she was always there. 

always on her favorite spot on the couch in the living room.

or she would be sweeping the floor around the house.

i used to watch her peel ikan bilis, pick out good grains of rice, sometimes even cleaning her dentures...

it's times like this that we wish we did more.

i wish i learnt more about her. 

wish i started appreciating her at a younger age when she could still remember.

wish i could listen to her stories of her hometown in eng choon, travelling from china, being sold at the age of 10, the british rule, the japanese invasion, the communist insurgence, getting naturalization, merdeka, being a rubber tapper...

these things we learn in malaysian history... she was there to witness and experience it first hand.

i also wish i held her hand a little longer the last time i saw her.

i guess what i'm trying to say is
for all of us who are still lucky to be alive,
stop blaming, stop giving excuses, stop stressing, stop waiting...

just start living.

in loving memory of cho-cho (the one sitting down in blue), 20.10.2010.